Do you ever have those moments where you suddenly feel so overwhelmed by how underwhelming everything is? A moment when, out of the blue, anxiety physically cripples you for a reason you can’t quite put your finger on. I sit and watch videos and read inspirational posts on how you should live your life, how you shouldn’t let money rule things and how if you are doing something you love then work will never feel like work.
I would love nothing more than to give up my mundane, mind-numbing job that I dread having to get up for, and spend time travelling around the world with my boyfriend, blogging, taking photos, writing that book I’ve dreamt of, baking incredible cakes or running marathons. But it isn’t that simple, is it? I have a mortgage and bills that need to be paid. To be able to jet off round the world, to buy that camera to take photos or that baking equipment, you need money. And so the cycle continues and I continue to feel like I’m just existing, drifting through each day. It makes my anxiety worse, because I’m not using my brain, so I sit and worry and overthink and feel sad, and then my anxiety about other things starts to gnaw away at me.
I sometimes wonder what my great-grandparents would think if they could see me? Spending 8+ hours sitting staring at a screen, day in, day out, doing something I don’t care about? I know it’s a cliché, but I want my life to mean something. I don’t want to let it all pass me by and realise I’d wasted it being miserable and stuck in a dead-end job. I want to have kids, and I’d never want them to feel that they couldn’t pursue something they truly loved just because of money.
So what can I do? How can I change things so I wake up every day feeling positive and wanting to get out of bed? I have this blog, which is brand new and still finding its feet, but it’s mine, and I can pour my heart and soul into it. I can channel my frustration with work into something energetic or creative – go for a long run or take a yoga class, do some colouring or get on a train somewhere and take some photos and videos. I can plan that book I want to write and spend time each week working on that.
I guess the dream right now is that one of those things will eventually become something I can make my day job, which wouldn’t seem like work because it will be something I love. Plus, then I’d be able to get a dog 🙂
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this, if anyone reading this has any suggestions or wants to share their story or something inspirational, please leave a comment below, I’d love to hear from you.
(Above photos taken by me)